It's not always what it seems.

Oh Bangkok I wanted to love you.

I am on to the second half of my around the world vacation. I just finished a week and a half in Italy and a week in Germany with friends. Next stop: Bangkok baby! The land where one hour foot massages are $1.50, full body massages are $3 and the street food has been rated #1 in the world.

Enter Bangkok. Unfortunately I missed the memo. The memo that it is the Thai New Year- Songkran when I arrive. This new year lasts for three days and is basically a 24 hour rave with water. The streets are lined with DJ's and water troughs to fill your gigantic squirt guns. You can't go outside with out getting doused with water or having mud spread all over your face. And for the record - being sprayed closely in the face with a gigantic squirt gun HURTS!

We are staying in the heart of Bangkok and conveniently of the New Year festival. Khao San Road. The streets are so crowded that at times you can barely cross one in under 20 minutes. The music is so loud that the hotel is shaking. The hotel is filled with young backpackers and is the equivalent to a frat house at peak hours.

Maybe if I was younger or more cool or had slept in a week or maybe just in a mentally better state it could have been the best two days of my life. However it was not. BUT-it was meant to be that way.

I'm jet lagged. I haven't slept well in weeks. I'm exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I have been traveling for two and a half weeks and on top of that I am at the beginning of an unexpected painful heart wrenching break up. This wasn't the trip I had envisioned. All I want is peace and quiet and most importantly -sleep. Insert wrong place. Insert wrong time.

Let me preface this: I am a quiet person. I like quiet. I hate loud music, parties, festivals and as some of my friends say "just fun" in general. And again I am on the cusp of a nervous breakdown in general.

I am suddenly stuck in a 48 hour hell. Streets are shut down- even if I wanted to run away to a quieter hotel (which didn't exist) or just to leave and go home- I couldn't. I'm stuck. There is no way out and I have to deal. I am a yoga teacher for fucks sake. I SHOULD be able to deal with this. Like come on Megan- fucking meditate- do some belly fucking breathing and deal with it. Get the fuck out there, buy a squirt gun and get out all of your anger and frustration. If you can't beat them, join them.

But I couldn't do it. I was too far gone mentally and emotionally. I cried. I cried some more. I wanted to die. I prayed for the music to stop. I belly breathed. I prayed for sleep. I cried some more. After 48 hours of being awake- between the hours of 3 am- 6 am when the music stopped and when the loud cleaning ladies arrived- I finally found sleep.

It's amazing what sleep can do. Those three hours rejuvenated me to the point that I was not a raging bitch, didn't want to kill myself or cry- well for at least part of the day.

But there is beauty in chaos. The streets were packed with beautiful happy fun loving people. I mean everyone was happy. There were no fights- and no police presence at all. There was no anger among them- only me the selfish american.

The last night I stayed on the balcony of the hotel and watched the chaos for hours. I knew it would be over soon. I thought to myself that in the midst of all of this chaos in the street, in the chaos that existed in my heart, mind, body and soul because of this break up- I was still surviving.

Our bodies are the most magnificent creations that have even been. They will tell us exactly where we need to be and what is right and wrong if we just listen. Intuition doesn't lie. I was meant to be in Bangkok at that time and on that trip and with those people. This break up as awful and heart breaking as it is and was- was meant to happen at this time although It didn't seem like it at first.

I was meant to be stuck in that chaos.

A couple days later I got the Thai word for New Year tattooed on my chest. I wanted to wake up every morning and see it in the mirror to remind me that I survived and I don't have to run away from anything. That in the midst of chaos there is beauty. That from the darkest of days there is meaning behind it.

Bangkok, maybe one day we can meet again under better circumstances and I can give you the chance you deserve.

#Thainewyear #Bangkok #newbeginnings #travel #Songkran

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